Winter reading

My recent reading habits have been frustrated and frustrating. Last week, I re-read three Robin Hobb fantasy novels, and once finished, felt fairly unfulfilled. Usually I adore Robin Hobb. I tried 'A Confederacy of Dunces', which is usually ten kinds of brilliant, but just UNREADABLE when the temp gets below 5 degrees C. I know some readers yak on about how warming it is to read about sunny Jamaican summers and beach holidays in Thailand when the mercury is devastatingly low - but I respectfully don't get it.

As soon as I have to pull on an extra cardi and coax the dog onto my feet of a night, my sun-scorched American favourites - McCarthy, Faulkner, and any number of civil war epics - are quickly replaced by English classics. Maybe it's to do with drinking so much more tea in winter. Perhaps my cold weather clothes make me prudish, and I can't handle too much raunchiness or violence. I have no real wish to read about Arctic fishing or Soviet gulags, so I don't think the cold climate is the drawcard.

My reading list thus far...

Mariana by Monica Dickens: nearly the loveliest love-story-meets-coming-of-age novel I own, next to I Capture the Castle and The Pursuit of Love. It also has hunting in it, and a hard woman to hounds, stirring childhood memories of hand-me-down 1940s pony books.

A Room With a View by E.M. Forster: A bit silly, but a bit lovely at the same time. I really need to search out a Bill Amberg for Penguin edition oneday: http://www.penguin.co.uk/static/cs/uk/0/penguin_sets/billamberg_collection.html

And, of course...

Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte (can't get those little dots, dammit...): I'm up to the bit where Jane throws a preachy tantrum and runs away from Thornfield. It's a silly, soppy novel, but I love the characters, the gothic tropes, and of course, the Ending.

Next on the agenda...

The Crimson Petal and the White by Michael Faber: This will be yet another re-read, but a necessary one, as I'm going to pre-order the miniseries from UK-land as soon as my bank account recovers from last week's horse-related splurge.

Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro: Not a re-read, very much looking forward to reading. Doesn't quiiiiite fit in comfort lit category, but I think it'll go down just dandy with a cup of tea and a delicious biscuit.

The Collie

I love poetry (BYRON BYRON BYRON BYRON BYRON BYRON BYR

ON BYRON BYRON). And ever since that miniseries on the Pre-Raphaelites came out last year I have had naughty dreams about Rossetti (but who doesn't?). That said, I don't want to be a poet's bitch. Look what happened to Caroline Lamb and Lizzy Siddal. So, I've decided to write more poetry myself. Here's one I've written about my dog Bridey. One of my more original pieces, I think. The Collie Collie! Collie! slightly fat On the lounge room rug you’re sat, What nommy treat will you try To sate thy fearful appetite? In which distant neighbour’s home Did you bury your pork bone? On whose lawn did last you poo? Where did you hide my ballet shoe? And what brush, and what spray, Could take the burrs out of your tail? And, when thy bark begins to sound, What dread hand forged thee fluffy hound? What the collar? What the chain? In what smelly thing hast thou lain? What the flea spray? What furry paws Jump and leap about my horse? When you smile you drool a bit, My feet are water'd with your spit. Did you smile your work to see? The hole dug underneath that tree? Collie! Collie! slightly fat On the lounge room rug you’re sat, What nommy treat will you try To sate thy fearful appetite? ********* I have far too much time on my hands. :(

Buy a book, please

Five reasons why I like books (and not Kindles):

1. Prettiness for prettiness' sake

Wearing a grey tracksuit every day and night would be ridiculously comfortable and practical. Easy to take on and off, warm in winter, could switch to a t-shirt in summer, wouldn't matter if the dog put muddy paws all over your front because jersey is easy to wash. Most people, however, do not wear grey tracksuits every day for obvious reasons. My battered, velvet-eared copy of Wuthering Heights is the equivalent of my holey, scuffed, but oh-so-comfortable pair of ballet flats that I can't bear to part with. Reading my leather-covered Bill Amberg edition of Brideshead Revisited feels like putting on my beautiful swishy blue silk-lined coat that cost more than my first car and will only ever be worn on special occasions. My vast selection of orange Popular Penguins and Random House Vintage Classics are my basics - my white ribbed singlets, black stockings, and flowery scarves. Each novel helps to make up a literary outfit to match my mood and thoughts.

2. Tea and biscuits

I'm fairly sure every avid reader has opened a favourite novel at a favourite page to find the remains of a squished decade-old biscuit crumb or a hardened coffee stain. There are some books (like my Bill Amberg editions) that are not even allowed in sight of the kitchen or any kind of food stuff, because hot beverages and baby buffalo hide really don't mix. Most of my novels, however, are best served with tea and biscuits, wine and cigarettes, and occasionally some kind of game bird. When I sit down, cup of tea in hand, for a session with the Kindle, I'm immediately overcome with a sense of sneaky guilt. I shouldn't really have anything mushy, liquidy, boiling, bubbling, cheesy, or crumbly near a complicated piece of electronic equipment. I especially probably shouldn't be exhaling smoke on it. And yoghurt is no good for battery life, no good at all. Yet my ten-year-old copy of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets doesn't mind a bit of porridge between the pages, as it's already survived a bubble bath and tomato soup.

3. Back-up books

Although I have a working knowledge of all those zany modern communication devices that my dad knows more about than I do, I'm certainly no pro when it comes to complicated things like 'saving', 'backing up', and 'not accidentally deleting stuff'. It's quite difficult to delete a paper book. Hitler managed it on a fairly epic scale, but for we bonfire-less plebs it's much trickier. Certainly, I've lost books - favourite books too - over the years, and will always regret them. The embarrassing moment when I lent A Hero of Our Time to the stoned and spotty-faced 16 year old love of my life who I can't remember the name of. The time I accidentally returned my own Keats anthology to my high school library and they wouldn't give it back. A copy of Les Miserables left at a Nottingham bus stop when it wouldn't fit in my suitcase.

For each book I've lost, though, I think I've always gained another freebie. I have a friendly copy of David Copperfield that someone left in my room at a London youth hostel. A class set (14) of Rosencrantz and Guildernstern are Dead stolen in revenge from the same school library that kept my Keats. A couple of well-worn favourites borrowed from housemates and friends and acquaintances, with no attempts to return them made. Ebooks are not so saucily exchanged though. I would live in fear, I think, of accidentally pressing that big red DELETE button and losing all my cherished stories. Not to mention the emptiness of knowing that I was never going to come across a little ebook on a park bench, at a train station, in a friend's bookshelf that I could quickly and quietly slip into my bag.

4. Show pony factor

I love talking about books. I enjoy telling people how well read I am, what my favourite books are, why everyone should like them, why I'm an authority on literature etc. And the best way, undoubtedly, to start up these conversations is by having a well stocked and obviously placed library that can be pointed at often and included in small talk wherever possible. As a visitor to other people's houses, the first thing I want to do is march over to their shelves to decide whether or not they are a literary dunce (usually the Jeffrey Archer: Martin Amis ratio will provide an immediate answer) and to gauge how much we might have in common. It might seem shallow and elitist, but consider the alternative – I know that I'd rather be judged by my books than my looks. And if my books are all stored safely and unobtrusively on some small, convenient piece of plastic, then suddenly my unwashed hair and ripped stockings become more of an issue when greeting people at my home.

5. How much is too much?

And finally, one very simple reason. I spend all day at work looking at, being near to, and fighting with computers, data projectors, interactive whiteboards, ipods, dvd players, power cords, plugs, double adaptors, laptop bags, font sizes, hard drives, email attachments, and every kind of website imaginable. When I get home, I desperately do not want to even turn on the telly, as one more button-but-not-the-kind-you-sew will push me over the edge. Simple, manageable, clean-smelling, pick-them-up-and-put-them-down-with-no-cords-attached books are a reader's comfort food - chips and gravy after a day of lo-carb high-protein energy bars.

My Lovely Horse

A pony poem:


233 Pluto Fifi

He's white
He bites


And it's ever so true. What a clever handsome pony. I'm surprised he hasn't been snapped up on the street by a horse modelling agency.

Excerpt from a student's exam...

...

Part B. Write one sentence for each of the following, remembering to use correct punctuation:

1. Use the word "step" as a noun.

Student answer: Why did you just step on my pet rattle snakes face.

2. Use the word "desert" as an adjective.

Student answer: You're sweeter than a sugary desert. :)

3. Use the word "television" as an adjective.

Student answer: This exam isn't as good as television.

4: Use the word "lonely" as an adjective.

Student answer: He was a very lonely boy at his tender young age of 73.

5. Use the word "drive" as a verb.

Student answer: I am going to drive to the shop, jokez. I'm going to drive over a cat.

6. Use the word "differently" as an adverb.

Student answer: Paris Hilton's thought cycle works differently to everyone elses.

7. Use the word "tyre" as an adjective:

Student answer: A bogans IQ, lower than a flat tyre.

...

Shithot teacher.

What is the primary ideology or primary ideas that fuel Gorgoroth's music?

Job interview with a vampire

As I am currently living the hell of job seeking, I thought I might as well take the opportunity to come up with a useful, innovative job searching guide. Oh suck, careerone.com.au.

4 Steps to Successful Employment

1. Preparation
You should, of course, be prepared for your interview. If you are very charming, like Jeremy Irons, then you could possibly wing an interview with little to no preparation. Most people, however, are not charming, and so, unless you ARE Jeremy Irons (oh gosh, swoon!) you will need some we-prepared-this-earlier wit and knowledge to fall back on. For most jobs in a specialist arena, you will certainly need to demonstrate your skills and qualifications. Don't worry too much if these skills are not in the same area as the job you are applying for - having a Level 80 Gnome Warlock is just as profound an achievement as a degree, and any good employer will recognise this.

NB: For those looking to enter the public service, a working knowledge of eating and shouting is all that is needed.

For those gifted with a sense of comic timing, a few prepared jokes or humorous observations regarding race, sex or religion (or all three if you are clever!) can go a long way towards endearing yourself to future employer/s.

2. Personal appearance
A point often misinterpreted by interviewees. In any job interview situation, you want to put your best foot forward, but this does NOT mean that you should trump yourself up in some heinous pseudo-suit from Kmart for the day. You will look uncomfortable and probably end up with a rash from the synthetic-y goodness. Instead, be imaginative - how will your appearance illustrate to your potential employer your skills, talents and personality? For example, wearing a t-shirt with a comic book character or band name on it will immediately label you as a patron of the arts! A fancy dress costume will show self-confidence and enthusiasm. Attending an interview sans footwear demonstrates your firm anti-sweatshop stance. Be creative.

3. The Interview
Ah, and here the monster rears its ugly head - nerves! Nerves have gotten the better of many skilled potential employees over the years. The way to defeat them? Many different calming techniques exist which can help you to overcome those special needs moments that often arise during a job interview.

But only one works. Vodka.

Na zdorovje!

4. Post-interview follow-up
You should always follow up an interview with your potential employer - it will reinforce the good impression you have already made by demonstrating your eagerness for the position. Many other applicants will also do this, so in order to further enhance your 'stand-out' standing, it is a good idea to track down your potential employer's home address and spend some time camping out in his or her front yard. Show your helpful nature by opening your future boss' mail, perhaps walking the children to school. Before you know it, you'll be part of the family!

The interview process can be stressful, time-consuming, expensive, and sometimes depressing, but remember - the joy of a fulfilling career outweighs all. Good luck!