Job interview with a vampire

As I am currently living the hell of job seeking, I thought I might as well take the opportunity to come up with a useful, innovative job searching guide. Oh suck, careerone.com.au.

4 Steps to Successful Employment

1. Preparation
You should, of course, be prepared for your interview. If you are very charming, like Jeremy Irons, then you could possibly wing an interview with little to no preparation. Most people, however, are not charming, and so, unless you ARE Jeremy Irons (oh gosh, swoon!) you will need some we-prepared-this-earlier wit and knowledge to fall back on. For most jobs in a specialist arena, you will certainly need to demonstrate your skills and qualifications. Don't worry too much if these skills are not in the same area as the job you are applying for - having a Level 80 Gnome Warlock is just as profound an achievement as a degree, and any good employer will recognise this.

NB: For those looking to enter the public service, a working knowledge of eating and shouting is all that is needed.

For those gifted with a sense of comic timing, a few prepared jokes or humorous observations regarding race, sex or religion (or all three if you are clever!) can go a long way towards endearing yourself to future employer/s.

2. Personal appearance
A point often misinterpreted by interviewees. In any job interview situation, you want to put your best foot forward, but this does NOT mean that you should trump yourself up in some heinous pseudo-suit from Kmart for the day. You will look uncomfortable and probably end up with a rash from the synthetic-y goodness. Instead, be imaginative - how will your appearance illustrate to your potential employer your skills, talents and personality? For example, wearing a t-shirt with a comic book character or band name on it will immediately label you as a patron of the arts! A fancy dress costume will show self-confidence and enthusiasm. Attending an interview sans footwear demonstrates your firm anti-sweatshop stance. Be creative.

3. The Interview
Ah, and here the monster rears its ugly head - nerves! Nerves have gotten the better of many skilled potential employees over the years. The way to defeat them? Many different calming techniques exist which can help you to overcome those special needs moments that often arise during a job interview.

But only one works. Vodka.

Na zdorovje!

4. Post-interview follow-up
You should always follow up an interview with your potential employer - it will reinforce the good impression you have already made by demonstrating your eagerness for the position. Many other applicants will also do this, so in order to further enhance your 'stand-out' standing, it is a good idea to track down your potential employer's home address and spend some time camping out in his or her front yard. Show your helpful nature by opening your future boss' mail, perhaps walking the children to school. Before you know it, you'll be part of the family!

The interview process can be stressful, time-consuming, expensive, and sometimes depressing, but remember - the joy of a fulfilling career outweighs all. Good luck!